Almost 16yrs ago I experienced motherhood for the very first time with this young man. I bought all the baby magazines and most definitely ate for 2. Sure I was beside myself with excitement about the up and coming arrival of my first little baby – oh I couldn’t wait to experience that rush of love and the instant bond you feel as soon as you hold your baby in your arms for the first time. However, it didn’t quite happen that way for me.
There he was, my little bundle of perfection, there I was feeling overwhelmed, frightened and absolutely clueless as to what was meant to happen next. None of my friends had babies at this stage – oh crap, what was I meant to do – the magazines didn’t mention this bit.
I felt like such a fraud and the worst mother ever – I didn’t bond with my baby! I am so mean, I don’t deserve him, I should be on top of the world, I am so ungrateful, something bad is going to happen and it is all going to be my fault because I am so bad. This vicious cycle continued for quite a while until my dad mentioned he was concerned about me – now I have to say my dad never or should I say rarely gives his opinion so when he does, you pay attention and thankfully he did.
Oh jaysus I have to admit this has actually been so much tougher to write than I thought it would – even after all these years the guilt is still there but I genuinely felt James deserved so much better than me. He was such a smiley little baby and such a delight but I just didn’t see it, all I was focused on was the fact I was such a crap mum – or so I thought.
Fast forward to today 2/6/17 and the relationship I have with my boy is such a special one – of course, there are days when I want to string him up but we have that ‘unbreakable bond’ I so so wanted at the beginning. So to all you new mums out there, don’t panic if you haven’t had that rush of love just yet. It will happen but it may just take that little bit longer and when it does it will be a love you have never experienced before. Oh, and when I told mum I was expecting Emma she said she would burn any baby magazines I bought…….smart move Marydoll.
If you are feeling a little overwhelmed as a new mum or your confidence levels are not want they used to be, get in touch for a chat either through my email address firstname.lastname@example.org or my mobile 07825183030.
Be Kind To Yourself & Stay Inspired
Amanda R x